The 03:55 just rolled by and the the borrowed from previous tenants upstairs/end/corner room at the Red Roof shook as she blew through Westward to the docks of San Pedro where I was just last night….”It will folllow the concrete banks of the LA River” I thought….fitting.
She is dying inside me like one of my molars did….a good twinge that takes you to your knees in less frequent intervals, less intensity, shorter duration but still capable of profound pain and audible cries only given as the locomotive passed by in an attempt to stifle them….fuck…gotta wait another hour till the next one I think to myself.
The sun will be coming up shortly after that one…out there over Indio I suppose. Days fly by like the used Kleenex she used to collect on her nightstand. That used to drive me insane as I now wish I had one to dry these tears that come when I think of them…and her. Did she fall asleep in the bath again? I wonder if she’s up and if so, is she alone?
Think I’ll shave today…maybe even eat. Most days I just don’t see the point….but it’s time to get busy livin because dying will come along soon enough.
I recently came into contact again with my first love and wife Colleen Hendrick after nearly 30 years of no contact whatsoever and I realized that although I’ve been in many subsequent relationships since then that I’m no further ahead at understanding women or my love/hate relationships with them.
Image via WikipediaThey say when a man’s father passes it is transformational unlike any other loss he may suffer. I’m here writing this 1o days after my Pop passed quietly in his sleep at the age of 89 so it’s hard to be angry or think he got less than a full ride in this life for he got extra miles that most don’t and he is now in a better place. As I documented in the companion to this blog, “A Caregiver’s Silence” I had said my “I’m sorrys” and “I forgive yous” to Pop during the six and a halfs I was his caregiver. I cried off and on the first few days and now it just comes in waves when I see something of his or remember he’s no longer with us. It’s not overwhelming as I had imagined it would be. I will go to his memorial service and speak about his life and our relationship and probably blubber like a baby doing so but that’s ok.
I just miss him.